For what felt like years of my life, I stayed in a vicious repetitive cycle of waiting for bedtime for someone to sneak in and abuse me. Throughout the whole day it felt like I was constantly preparing myself for what would occur in the dead of night.

To be honest my coping skills in the moment were not great, my hopes and aspirations were just to survive. Then it came to a point where I questioned if survival was worth it? I questioned God’s plan for my life, if God loves me and wants the best for me and every night I was being attacked, it did not feel like God loved me as much as everyone talked about. I felt like he left me, like he was not there, or he was not as big as everyone said he was.

I had so much shame and guilt for what was happening, I did not know what to do with it. I didn’t really even have a vocabulary to put how I was feeling with the thoughts and emotions that were in my head. When I tried to voice them, it felt like no one understood, so I learned to silence it. I learned to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, I learned to build up walls to protect myself from everyone around me.

My whole life I felt like I had no control over what was happening to me and around me. I fantasized about how this lack of control would change when I was an adult and could make my own decisions. I developed a desire to just control something which turned into a battle with control as an adult. I learned that if the people who you are supposed to love and trust hurt you, then there is no one who can be trusted. It was better to keep people as far away as possible, not out of spite or anger but out of a desire to protect myself from ever being hurt like that again.

These battles that were playing in my head began seeping out into my life where they could not be controlled when I was in situations I was supposed to be intimate in. I was supposed to be able to show love, I was supposed to trust others and I can remember thinking I do love this person, but why is it so hard to show them love? Why is it so hard to trust? I realized pretty quickly that I had some real issues that I could not force back inside of my brain, they needed to be worked through. I sought out help and went to a Christian counselor, pretty early on he wanted to map my brain. I have always been fascinated with how our brains work and how our bodies remember the pain and trauma that we have been through. I decided that I would move in that direction and be open to this study.

When he examined my brain, it showed that I had severe anxiety. I was really baffled by this. I believed in my heart that he was going to come back and tell me that I was fine, and nothing was wrong with me. I thought he was going to tell me I was imagining a problem.

The counselor told me that he wanted me to begin Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy. As I was sitting in the first session a young lady was getting it all set up and I asked her if this treatment really worked. She said, “Honestly, honey I do not know.” I said, “What do you mean you don’t know?” In my brain my thoughts were racing, “If you don’t know if it is working and you work here, I don’t think we should be doing this.”

She answered my question and said, “Whenever I have a problem, I just pray about it.”

This statement was life changing for me. As soon as she said it, it was a game changer. I have loved the Lord my whole life, but never once had I asked Him to help me with those very intimate problems. When I left that office that day, I began asking God into every single area of my life. I asked him into every room in my mind, I asked him for help with EVERY single problem I had, and my life began to change drastically. This was truly the catalyst of change in my life and the beginning of a journey of healing.

For me, I cannot separate Jesus and my healing journey. He was there with me through the abuse and through every single day of the aftermath and the healing. He never left me or forsake me, he was holding me when I felt alone. He held me when I thought I could not make it anymore.

My faith grew substantially through this entire journey. When I gave my life over to him completely, I began to see the value and importance of a true relationship with the Lord, not just a knowledge of Him – but a true relationship. One where I wanted to be with Him, one where he was not just a figment of my mind but is so real I can see Him in every single thing in my life. I can see Him in the good, the not so good, the hard, the sad and I can see Him in every single encounter I have. I strive to learn more about His character and walk closer with Him.

I started studying my own behavior that way I could respond differently to triggers as they arose. I realized that when I stay still, I find that my mind races. I identified situations that set me back to those rough years and took steps to process through those encounters. I discovered what my triggers were and how I could give those to the Lord instead of letting them control me. I began a journey of being more emotionally stable so when thoughts that try to control me arise, I can work through them in a healthy, productive manner. I intentionally try to maintain the ability to be present in the moment, instead of being pulled back into unproductive memories that rehash hurt, trauma and pain.

If you would have told me at fifteen years old that I would have a family, that I would have three beautiful kids, that I would work with survivors every day who went through similar things, that I would get the privilege of teaching the word of God to people hungry for Him, and that I would have joy everyday – I would have never believed you. I would never have thought that God’s plan would have included such beautiful things in my life.

As an adult woman looking back over my life, I realize that overcoming the hardships around being a victim of childhood sexual abuse changed the whole trajectory of my life. I get the privilege of sharing my testimony of what the Lord has done in my life with so many people that without these trials I may not have ever got the chance to interact with.

I work with hundreds of women everyday who have been victims of horrific sexual trauma. What I walked through at an early age and continued to deal with as an adult helped prepare me to work in the setting that I work in today. It has impacted every encounter that I have with people, it has opened doors that I never thought would be opened for me and overcoming the bondage that once griped me so tightly has brought me immense freedom. That freedom and overwhelming peace can only come from Jesus. For me the overcoming and the healing truly began when I laid it all down at his feet and asked Him into every area of my life.

If you are going through something horrific right now, you are not alone, He did not leave you. He is right there with you and He loves you so much. If you are trying to figure out a way forward or feel like giving up, keep going. It may not feel good right now, it may feel so overwhelming and so hard, but better days are coming. This is not the end of your story, keep your eyes focused on Jesus and give everything over to Him. Ask Him into every aspect of your life, ask Him for help in the most sensitive areas and watch Him transform your life.

You are not alone, we would love to partner with you to be an intentional community surrounding you with love!